Envy in Chronic Illness.

(3 minute read)

Envy makes us feel especially bad.

Not just because of the negative sensation of the emotion, but the self judgement that goes alongside it.

It’s not bad enough to feel envious, we are then steeped in shame about the very fact we are feeling this emotion!

After all, we are only human!

For the particularly cerebral amongst you, this acts as a form of torture.

The unbearable tension as you wrestle with this ‘immoral’ and ‘incorrect’ feeling.

The mental anguish as you punish yourself cognitively for being such a terrible person.

Perhaps your friends, talking of their new years plans sparked a pang of envy.

Perhaps your cousin, soon to be married, evoked jealousy - for you haven’t even been able to leave the house.

Perhaps hearing your families carer plans makes you feel resentful.

Oh how terrible to be human, experiencing those human-like emotions!

And yet how fickle we are to think ourselves terrible people for feeling so.

Alain de Botton talks about envy, not being a begrudging source of self loathing or shame.

But instead with such compassion and lightness, at the complex nature of the human condition.

He sees it not as something to repel or shun, but instead something to notice, to enquire into, to see what it is in fact, that we envy.

Envy is a sign that there lies something or some part of another that we seek in ourselves.

It’s not something to be shameful of, least of all when those parts or things are items you once had.

See it as a light to be drawn to, an opportunity for self reflection, and gentle indication of where you want to go.

Better to feel and harness this, than feel the ramifications of second order judgement, because you felt such a feeling in the first place.